I've been reading a really amazing book the last few weeks. In most cases I would be appalled at what seems like rather slow reading on my behalf, but in fact I'm not. Because the book I'm reading is making me think to the point where I will re-read paragraphs and mull over what they are saying.
"My Life So Far" - Jane Fonda
That's what I'm reading, and for me it's working wonders. Since starting to read this book, I've found a reason to beat this depression I seem to have been swimming in these past months. It's amazing to find how easily I can relate to the life she lived up until my age at the moment. (18) How she describes wanting her father's love. Wanting to know the person everyone else in the world seemed to look up to. A lot of people never really see the side of their parents that the rest of the world see. I was lucky enough to see it in my early teens, not so much how people see my father, but the true inner workings of him.
A part I loved reading was Jane discussing how her younger brother Peter always seemed to just say whatever was on his mind. If he didn't want to do something, he wouldn't, and he'd say so. She couldn't understand why he'd do it when she was a child, why he'd do things that she saw instantly as something that would irritate their father. I have that with my brothers. I notice when my parents are about to blow a fuse. When you should really stop whining or asking for pointless things. But my brother have no idea and they push until the explosion happens. It's frustrating, but rather funny to read about Jane Fonda dealing with the same thing. Don't get me wrong, I do realise she's a normal human being.
Chapter seven is simply titled 'Hunger'. It deals with the beginnings of Jane's Bulimia. I've always seemed to have some knowledge of this disease. Which is exactly what she calls it. A disease. Because, after all, that's what it is. I've never been interested in becoming bulimic, thank God, and I've never cared for what people think of how I look. So you wonder how I could possibly relate to this. But reading what she's written on the disease, I realise how easily it applies to all I have ever tried to say when people would ask me why I cut. Originally it was something that sparked my curiosity. I was a curious child and always acted on my curiosity. I wanted to know why people cut themselves so I did it. But it became addictive because as far as I was conserned, I was in control. Jane talks about how a bulimic person believes that they are in control, it's not a problem, and that they believe they could stop if they really wanted to. That is how I felt. It wasn't a problem. It was just something I found interesting. Finally, after eight years, there are words that truly expressed what I felt. The thought would have never occured to me otherwise.
Reading all the things that Jane Fonda went through as a child and young adult, as I'm only up to where she's around 22, is so helpful to overcome my depression. There are moments where she talks about adolescent thoughts that have been plaguing me these past months. And to see that she has come through it all, and to see what she's doing today, it's really inspirational for anyone that may be going through any problems as a teenager or young adult. It gives you the feeling that you will, in fact, have a future ahead of you. You just have to put the bullshit behind you and get on with it. Personally, I can't believe how good this has made me feel. I've become much more aware of what's happening around me, and less afraid of what's to come. Why worry about what's ahead of me, when I could do something tomorrow that changes the course of my life. Whether I like this metaphor or not after two years of English Advanced, life is a journey. Every now and then there's going to be a fork in the road. I just hope that when those days come, I make a good decision.
Please, if you're having any bad thoughts or just feeling low. Take my advice, and read this book. Whether it does the same or not, it's still a fantastic read.